Feeling Indifferent

Gloomy is the day when the sun is up,
but covered by dark clouds.
You can still see the light,
but none of its radiance and luster.
You also see the darkness,
but none of its bleakness and misery.

Gloomy is the feeling of indifference,
where you hope for company,
yet want to stay isolated in your room.

Feeling indifferent is a feeling in itself,
it is neither happy, nor it is sad.
It is not wrong to have it,
just don't let it grip you.
For it is a fearful as anger,
as long as its hold last,
you will be stuck in endless isolation.
And the only way to break it
is to walk out and find company.

母亲的爱

对我而言，母爱是偶尔开口问候的关心，母爱是偶尔预备给我好吃的体贴，母爱是常常不断的唠叨，母爱是不停不断做家务的命令。每个人的母亲表达爱的方式都不一样，虽然我常羡慕别人拥有的母爱，看着他们的母亲不逼他们做家务，在每个放学早早的等待他们，在每个颁奖典礼都会乐意出席。可是当我在渴望别人拥有的母爱时，我自己拥有的却渐渐的在消失，经常的逐渐变成偶尔，偶尔的逐渐变成没有。到我发现了之后，想得回来，想去珍惜时，已经来不及了。

我从小就得知我母亲有抑郁症，而是产后抑郁症。听亲戚说，是生了我而得的。当时，我心里怀疑这是真的吗？到如今也还在怀疑着，因为我从来都没有去确认过，也从来不敢去找父母问一问。可是我不是对这件事感到愧疚，而是对小时候的反应感到遗憾。明明知道母亲有了抑郁症，还是坐视不理，不顾她的心情，只顾着自己想做的事，常常和母亲闹和翻脸，从来没有感到一点的遗憾，心也很像麻痹了。此外，家里每个人都常常只顾着自己的事情而办，而我母亲就在着冷漠的环境下慢慢的度过。

一个得了抑郁症的人需要的是家人特别的关心才能避免症状加深。但很明确的是我家没有做到，而母亲的病症变得更严重，吃的药也增加了剂量。而因为药物有安眠的效果，母亲做任何事情都失去了热忱，没有精神去做。母亲经常的唠叨也变成了安静，母亲不断的命令也变成了不理不睬，家里煮的家常便饭也变成了外卖。小时候应为这是好事，没有母亲的管理，我可以自由做自己的事，没有家常菜，我可以天天挑选好吃的外卖。

可是母亲逐渐的冷漠，让我看到家庭的破碎，虽然在外好像我们是一个和好的家庭，可是在内我们都不了解彼此，不接纳对方，每个人因为彼此所照成的伤痛还没真真的原谅彼此。这家还能说是家吗？家里的温暖在哪呢？家里的关怀也在哪呢？也许我们都还没学会如何表达我们的心情，如何接纳大家。可是在这样的环境下，我们能学会吗？

有人说过，家是带来孩子最大的影响，家里品格如何，孩子的品格就如何，家里的价值观是如何，孩子的价值观也就如何。家里的冷漠使我无法学会表达自己，只有在大学，认识了一群开朗的朋友才渐渐的学会。也学会了，如何真真的关怀和接纳。

也许我的改变能染化家里的冷漠，能使家里变得更温暖。可是这也看起来好遥远。但我不会气馁，虽然我失去了一些母亲以前能给的爱，我会珍惜我现在所拥有的，持续的关心及爱我的家人。因为如果神能改变一个自私的我，神也一定能改变我的家庭。

对于现在，我所拥有的母爱就是母亲偶尔的一通电话。虽然不经常，我会好好的珍惜，好好的聆听，因为对于我毫无表达能力的母亲来说，打一通只单单问候的电话是他难以做到的关怀了。

一位母亲，虽然有她不好的一面，但是她还是神所赐的，在这一辈子，我们也只会有那么一位亲身的母亲，不会再有第二位了。所以我们要好好的珍惜，不要失去了才忏悔当时没有好好去爱护她们。

当死亡似乎更有希望

我不想活了。

这世界并不需要我。

我没用，我无能。

我活着有什么用呢？

这世界并不关心我。.

我死了应该对这世界会更好。

活着比死还要痛苦，还要难受。

当死亡似乎比活着更有意义，更有希望时，我们应该如何面对？要如何做才能走出来？是不是要等到一位超人出来才能拯救呢？哪超人又会是谁？它真的存在吗？往往在失去了盼望时，我们满脑只会有疑问，很少会有积极的思想去面对问题。因为我们在这时候似乎已经对人和这世界失去了信心。而我们只相信死是唯一能带我们脱离这痛苦的道路。

人人都会题意说当我们有自尽的念头时，就要说出来使身边的人有机会来帮助。然而，一个已经对人性失去了盼望时，真的会开口求救吗？在他们的看法里，人都是自私的，要关心的话，人也只会关心他身边的朋友和家庭罢了。此外，当他们开口说出心事后，常常得到的不是关心，而是批评，取笑，还没听完就给解决方法的意见，更掺的是连回应都没。

他们需要的是聆听者，一个认真与仔细的聆听者。经常人们都会认为只要给意见帮助那些心里有苦闷的人，就算是关心了。可是，我们有想过吗？我们所说的意见是他们想要的吗？他们会跟着我们的意见而办吗？

那基督徒应该如何帮助他们呢？介绍和分享耶稣给他们能帮助到他们吗？当他们已经在着世上看不到爱，看不到神在动工时，他们还会去聆听，理解和接受福音吗？

我赞成人们都需要耶稣，尤其是他们。但是他们需要的，不是带来盼望的词句，而是爱，一个活生生，永恒的爱。基督徒除了分享以外，还更需要做的是去爱他们，去理解他们，去接纳他们，像耶稣体贴人的心一样。这样他们才能透过我们看见神的爱。

可是如果神真的那么爱我们，那为什么他让我经过着那么难熬的人生呢？这问提我觉得谁都不能完整的解答，因为我们不是神，不能够完全理解它的心思意念。然而有时，我们常会觉得神很安静，似乎很像不再理我们了。其实神一直以来都是那么安静，自从人离开了伊甸园，我们就很少跟神有直接的联系了。而过去的几千年，我们都是透过先知，使徒和耶稣跟神交流。现在也一样，只是我们是透过了一本记载他们的人生的书跟神联系，那就是圣经。此外，神在每个时代都会使用人展现出它的爱，只是在耶稣升天过后，它就差遣了我们去使人们归回神，还有它的爱。所以称为基督徒的我们，应该时时刻刻惊醒，在生活每个阶段展现出神的爱。

虽然我不能完整的回答这问题，可是希望这解答能帮助到那些有同样疑问的人更认识神的爱。如果神真的不爱我们，那当初它为什么要差遣它独生子耶稣来到这世上为我们而死呢？它为什么要创造人类呢？人类那么自私，贪心，又只懂得破坏。人类不存在不是更好吗？所以它让我们所经历的，一定有它的目的，只是我们还看不见罢了。多耐心等待，多寻求帮助，神一定不会辜负于你。

女人的心

嗨。。。又流泪了，又沉默了。在这床上看着天花板的风扇转着。

为什么掉泪了呢？

为什么又这样了呢？

对。。。我是在为了一个女人操心。

奇怪，明明就有许多事情要去顾，为什么就在床上想这一个女人呢。。。

女人的心，到底是怎样的？

如何才能感动到她？

如何才能关心到她？

我所做的许许多多，很想都没感动过她。有人说，你不管在怎么关心，只要他对你没感情，是没用的。那我是不是应该放弃呢？又有人说，只要持续下去，耐心等待，她会被感动的。

其实这两个论点都可以是对的。

那像我这样没出息，不帅，懒散，要关心又关心不到别人的男生，会被人看上吗？

我的小小的主动会感动到人吗？

也许我应该放弃，停止关心别人，因为我所做的很像很快就被忘记了，毫无意义，连自己都好像消失在她面前，毫无纯在感。也许我应该持续下去，可是我的主动，真的有带来快乐和感动吗？

她的笑容是勉强的吗？

心思花费了不少，时间也花费了许多，而只得到的是当时的不明确的笑容。

我应该继续呢？还是放下。。。

如果我變成回憶 (If I Was The Memory)

这首歌很有意思，也很有情感，让我深深思考了人生一些情景。

也许作词想表示他心里的害怕以及慌张。毕竟我们每一个人终有一天会过世，难免会对死亡感到害怕。那假如有一天我们的脉搏就这么停了，我们所爱的人会怎样呢？

他们会伤心难过呢？

还是，照常继续过没有我们的人生？

或许我感应不到作词的真正感觉，因为我还没恋爱过，不知道要离开另一半的难受有多痛，有多伤。也不知道将在死去之前的最后一口气，要忍心的把一身中最所爱的人独自在这冷漠的世界当中的感受。

但这个歌带给我的感觉是假如我真的退出了这场生命，这事会带给我家人和朋友什么反应呢？

我会留下什么印象给我身边的人呢？

他们还会记得我吗？

也许这不是作词真正的观点，可是当一个人将要面临死亡时，也应该会发出这些疑问吧？

最终，我觉得这首歌想带出的意思是提醒我们，多珍惜身边的恋人，伴侣，朋友，还有家人。我们不知道我们在这世上的时光还有多久，但我们有的就是现在。现在对身边的任多关心，多关怀。别错过了，才懂的珍惜，才忏悔那些想做但没付出时间去做的事情。

Tank - 如果我變成回憶 (If I Was The Memory) MV

PS* - 这是我第一次用华文来表达我的意见，我华文基础也不是很好，所以请多多包涵。

Deep Sentiments

Loneliness has it's grip on me, as the shadow of fear takes captive of my heart. The day and month of my birth, no one remembers, and how I wish I have forgotten it just the same. My life seems to me a blur and only the grey of loneliness shows it's vivid existence. 

Friendships come and go but none show intent to continue it with me though. This is why I hate shallow talk, for I know in the end we will surely part. And the time and joy invested will surely become a heartfelt pain and despairing sentiment. How then does one maintain their friendships? Does one just move on and forget or do they just live in the moment and leave no regrets?

It seems to me like trust is something that I vaguely understand. No matter how I show mine to others, others won't seem to show theirs back. Try as I might, but trust still eludes me, never able to grab hold of it, like a fading dream whenever one's waking.

All my life I played a back stage role, to support others with kindness that no one seems to know. As I see them shine and happiness brought forth in their smiles, how I wish I could gain the same just like them as well. But I am content with just these few. Though deep inside, I wish they would just remember, the things that I have done and labored, in their favor. Guess my actions we're too little to see, and too small to be noticed. So how then shall I gain contentment and gladness?

No one understands my fears and sadness, but only me and my Creator know my resentment. So hear me Oh Lord, I only ask you this, to help me forgive and forget this dreadful indignation.

A Bittersweet Poem

I don't want to charm you,

For it's useless than it seems,

I don't want to charm you,

For how worthy can I be.

For He loves you more,

More than I could ever give,

For He loves you more,

More than anything I bring.

There is no jealousy here,

But utter admiration,

For He can give and love,

For your very own salvation.

For I could drive a hundred miles,

But He can go way beyond,

To love and care for you,

Like a child of His own.

So the greatest gift,

That I could ever give,

Is to bring you closer to God,

Ever so gently and lovingly.

Who Am I?

Who am I? A question in itself both profound and mysterious. If I were to say that I am Jason. That would be just my name. If I were to say I am a student. That would be just my current occupation. Though unlike occupation that keeps changing, names are constant and forever a part of you. However, names are shared, there would be thousands of people around the world with the same name as me. So then, does my name even define me?

As I continue to search for the answer through all corners of my life, looking at one identity to the next. From a loving son, to a kind friend, to an academic achiever, to an isolated loner. Still all these things cannot define me, as they won't stay consistent forever. As a son, I would bound to lose my parents. As a friend, I would bound to separate from my dear friends. As an academic achiever, I would bound to be forgotten. As an isolated loner, I yearn to escape it, to find someone who I can share my life with.

No matter how it seems to define me at that moment of my life, that identity would seem to be forgotten and lost as I move on to the next phase of life. So what really defines me?

The current trend of thought suggest that me, myself define who I am, that I determine who I am at that moment in time. My character exist because I choose for it to exist, to be part of me. Then, wouldn't that be narcissistic? Where the self determine what identity is right, what character should be portrayed, what principles should be adhered to. Yes, we do have the autonomy to do so, but free will without morals will be fundamentally flawed. Furthermore, will the self stand the test of time, even after death?

So what then, can define my identity, an identity that can be consistent in whatever situations, an identity that will last, an identity that in itself is good, good for me and for those around me. The only identity that I can turn to so far, is my identity in Christ, as a child of God, so loved and so cared for, that the price for it was so great, that death was the price to pay. The death of someone, who by right was above us all, but brought low so that we might know love, an unselfish and Godly love.

As a child of God, I will have hope in the future, where my life would be guided and carried by God even after death. As a child of God, I will know that I am loved, in every situations and that love compels me to love those around me in the same way. As a child of God, I will have the security that no matter how lonely or dire the situation is, I will not be abandoned. As a child of God, morality is not something complied to for the sake of good and salvation, but as an act to show love, a Godly love.

Having said so much, there would be an underlying question some would like to ask. How can you be so sure that you are loved by God? Haven't you seen the things happening around you and more importantly to you, how can you called that love? Even I question them sometimes. So, how can I be sure? Well, I don't have any evidence for it. My life so far seems like a chaotic storm, sometimes it does calm down, but just only to be stirred up again. I can only say that I have faith, faith that He is there beside me, guiding me and loving me. Though, I may not see it yet, but I know the things that I have went through was all according to his purpose. And as I continue on with my life, I should try in every situation not to forsake God just the same as He would not forsake me.     

A Weary Soul

Oh My Soul, why are you in despair? What pains you so? And, how long would you continue?

I know your fears. The fears of losing hope, of losing joy, of losing a relationship, of losing somebody you love. I know the sacrifices you have made, to give part of yourself to her, hoping that she would give part of hers in return, so that both can be whole. But, she has the right to choose, the right to give back, and the right to love. Your hopes and dreams cannot be forced, even more so, for your love when she does not want it.

However, all these things have yet come to pass, they are just fears, which are unfounded. Do not let them drag you down and drown you. Take up courage and hope. She may or may not be the one, and who knows it, but God. So don't you be weary, My Soul. For if you face the battle with the mindset of losing, then wouldn't the battle already be lost. Do what you can do and do what you must (but properly in God's eyes), and let time to tell if you would be victorious or beaten in this battle.      

My Soul, do remember as well, to continue to keep doing what you love and what you find pleasing to do. For it will help lighten your mood especially in these weary times. It has been a long time since you last took up the guitar, I long to hear your music even though they sound like shattered glass. I also miss your hand-drawn sketches, it seems that your busy life have taken up much of your leisure time. And, I do hope to see some new drawings from you soon, as I would really love to see them.

My Soul, this is how much I can console you for now. I really hope to see that you can return to your once joyful self. And, I really wish all the best to you, that no matter what the situation turn out to be, you will still take heart and move on. Here is a last reminder, in times of fear, in times of peace, never ever cease, to pray, hope and love. 

When Love Hurts

All my life, I have been through many things, joyful moments and of course sad moments as well. And, I always wanted to write down my feelings like a book or blog to share my experiences with someone else, but never find the discipline to do so. Finally, after so many years, I feel it is time to write down my experiences and feelings that brought me joy and those that brought confusion which render my life into a few weeks of turmoil. Just for a start, I think it is better to write something that happen to me recently since the memory is fresh. And, here it goes.

Watching her sitting there, beautiful just the way she is, with her long tied hair flowing down her back. Her smile is always so gentle that it melts the heart away. I had many things I wanted to ask her, to know more about her. Though we were just a few rows apart, fear was holding me back. Stopping me from building the courage to sit next to her and to start the conversation with the casual "How are you". Soon her row was completely occupied and my window of opportunity had closed. Should have I regretted the decision to remain in my seat? Well it was hard to say at that moment until she was having a conversation with another guy.

As they smiled and talked, a heavy feeling crept into my heart, slowly finding its way to the soul. And with each step it slowly crippled the joy that once filled the heart and replacing it with hatred instead. However the setting compelled me to conceal my feelings, hiding them among my smiles and cheers to avoid anyone finding out and spoiling the mood of the gathering.

He was tall, handsome and seemed sweet, their conversation dragged on for a long heart wrenching 5 minutes. During those few minutes, the feeling of past rejections that I thought was long gone struck me again, bringing me low, making me feel unworthy, unworthy for her, unworthy for anyone to love. The feeling of helplessness overwhelmed my soul as I watched him brought smiles and laughter that I couldn't.  I wasn't that kind of guy, I am just me. A person unloved, not trusted and uncared for. A person who tried everything to love others, hoping to gain trust in return. Maybe, I have flaws that I couldn't see, that no one would openly tell me?

It is sad when you know you love and care for someone, yet you are helpless, not knowing how to care for the one that means so much to you. A friend once told me, that there will be a time where I will meet my one true partner, and before that time comes, I should prepare myself to be able to care and love her unconditionally. Maybe she isn't the one, and I am falling in love with some other guys future wife? Or maybe she is? There will never be answers to these questions until God choose to reveal them. Then, what my friend said was pretty much true, I can only control what I can control that is to improve myself to become a better husband for my wife to be while leaving the rest to God. For He knows the plans for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me.