When Love Hurts

All my life, I have been through many things, joyful moments and of course sad moments as well. And, I always wanted to write down my feelings like a book or blog to share my experiences with someone else, but never find the discipline to do so. Finally, after so many years, I feel it is time to write down my experiences and feelings that brought me joy and those that brought confusion which render my life into a few weeks of turmoil. Just for a start, I think it is better to write something that happen to me recently since the memory is fresh. And, here it goes.

Watching her sitting there, beautiful just the way she is, with her long tied hair flowing down her back. Her smile is always so gentle that it melts the heart away. I had many things I wanted to ask her, to know more about her. Though we were just a few rows apart, fear was holding me back. Stopping me from building the courage to sit next to her and to start the conversation with the casual "How are you". Soon her row was completely occupied and my window of opportunity had closed. Should have I regretted the decision to remain in my seat? Well it was hard to say at that moment until she was having a conversation with another guy.

As they smiled and talked, a heavy feeling crept into my heart, slowly finding its way to the soul. And with each step it slowly crippled the joy that once filled the heart and replacing it with hatred instead. However the setting compelled me to conceal my feelings, hiding them among my smiles and cheers to avoid anyone finding out and spoiling the mood of the gathering.

He was tall, handsome and seemed sweet, their conversation dragged on for a long heart wrenching 5 minutes. During those few minutes, the feeling of past rejections that I thought was long gone struck me again, bringing me low, making me feel unworthy, unworthy for her, unworthy for anyone to love. The feeling of helplessness overwhelmed my soul as I watched him brought smiles and laughter that I couldn't.  I wasn't that kind of guy, I am just me. A person unloved, not trusted and uncared for. A person who tried everything to love others, hoping to gain trust in return. Maybe, I have flaws that I couldn't see, that no one would openly tell me?

It is sad when you know you love and care for someone, yet you are helpless, not knowing how to care for the one that means so much to you. A friend once told me, that there will be a time where I will meet my one true partner, and before that time comes, I should prepare myself to be able to care and love her unconditionally. Maybe she isn't the one, and I am falling in love with some other guys future wife? Or maybe she is? There will never be answers to these questions until God choose to reveal them. Then, what my friend said was pretty much true, I can only control what I can control that is to improve myself to become a better husband for my wife to be while leaving the rest to God. For He knows the plans for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me.