如果我變成回憶 (If I Was The Memory)

这首歌很有意思，也很有情感，让我深深思考了人生一些情景。

也许作词想表示他心里的害怕以及慌张。毕竟我们每一个人终有一天会过世，难免会对死亡感到害怕。那假如有一天我们的脉搏就这么停了，我们所爱的人会怎样呢？

他们会伤心难过呢？

还是，照常继续过没有我们的人生？

或许我感应不到作词的真正感觉，因为我还没恋爱过，不知道要离开另一半的难受有多痛，有多伤。也不知道将在死去之前的最后一口气，要忍心的把一身中最所爱的人独自在这冷漠的世界当中的感受。

但这个歌带给我的感觉是假如我真的退出了这场生命，这事会带给我家人和朋友什么反应呢？

我会留下什么印象给我身边的人呢？

他们还会记得我吗？

也许这不是作词真正的观点，可是当一个人将要面临死亡时，也应该会发出这些疑问吧？

最终，我觉得这首歌想带出的意思是提醒我们，多珍惜身边的恋人，伴侣，朋友，还有家人。我们不知道我们在这世上的时光还有多久，但我们有的就是现在。现在对身边的任多关心，多关怀。别错过了，才懂的珍惜，才忏悔那些想做但没付出时间去做的事情。

Tank - 如果我變成回憶 (If I Was The Memory) MV

PS* - 这是我第一次用华文来表达我的意见，我华文基础也不是很好，所以请多多包涵。

Deep Sentiments

Loneliness has it's grip on me, as the shadow of fear takes captive of my heart. The day and month of my birth, no one remembers, and how I wish I have forgotten it just the same. My life seems to me a blur and only the grey of loneliness shows it's vivid existence. 

Friendships come and go but none show intent to continue it with me though. This is why I hate shallow talk, for I know in the end we will surely part. And the time and joy invested will surely become a heartfelt pain and despairing sentiment. How then does one maintain their friendships? Does one just move on and forget or do they just live in the moment and leave no regrets?

It seems to me like trust is something that I vaguely understand. No matter how I show mine to others, others won't seem to show theirs back. Try as I might, but trust still eludes me, never able to grab hold of it, like a fading dream whenever one's waking.

All my life I played a back stage role, to support others with kindness that no one seems to know. As I see them shine and happiness brought forth in their smiles, how I wish I could gain the same just like them as well. But I am content with just these few. Though deep inside, I wish they would just remember, the things that I have done and labored, in their favor. Guess my actions we're too little to see, and too small to be noticed. So how then shall I gain contentment and gladness?

No one understands my fears and sadness, but only me and my Creator know my resentment. So hear me Oh Lord, I only ask you this, to help me forgive and forget this dreadful indignation.

A Bittersweet Poem

I don't want to charm you,

For it's useless than it seems,

I don't want to charm you,

For how worthy can I be.

For He loves you more,

More than I could ever give,

For He loves you more,

More than anything I bring.

There is no jealousy here,

But utter admiration,

For He can give and love,

For your very own salvation.

For I could drive a hundred miles,

But He can go way beyond,

To love and care for you,

Like a child of His own.

So the greatest gift,

That I could ever give,

Is to bring you closer to God,

Ever so gently and lovingly.

Who Am I?

Who am I? A question in itself both profound and mysterious. If I were to say that I am Jason. That would be just my name. If I were to say I am a student. That would be just my current occupation. Though unlike occupation that keeps changing, names are constant and forever a part of you. However, names are shared, there would be thousands of people around the world with the same name as me. So then, does my name even define me?

As I continue to search for the answer through all corners of my life, looking at one identity to the next. From a loving son, to a kind friend, to an academic achiever, to an isolated loner. Still all these things cannot define me, as they won't stay consistent forever. As a son, I would bound to lose my parents. As a friend, I would bound to separate from my dear friends. As an academic achiever, I would bound to be forgotten. As an isolated loner, I yearn to escape it, to find someone who I can share my life with.

No matter how it seems to define me at that moment of my life, that identity would seem to be forgotten and lost as I move on to the next phase of life. So what really defines me?

The current trend of thought suggest that me, myself define who I am, that I determine who I am at that moment in time. My character exist because I choose for it to exist, to be part of me. Then, wouldn't that be narcissistic? Where the self determine what identity is right, what character should be portrayed, what principles should be adhered to. Yes, we do have the autonomy to do so, but free will without morals will be fundamentally flawed. Furthermore, will the self stand the test of time, even after death?

So what then, can define my identity, an identity that can be consistent in whatever situations, an identity that will last, an identity that in itself is good, good for me and for those around me. The only identity that I can turn to so far, is my identity in Christ, as a child of God, so loved and so cared for, that the price for it was so great, that death was the price to pay. The death of someone, who by right was above us all, but brought low so that we might know love, an unselfish and Godly love.

As a child of God, I will have hope in the future, where my life would be guided and carried by God even after death. As a child of God, I will know that I am loved, in every situations and that love compels me to love those around me in the same way. As a child of God, I will have the security that no matter how lonely or dire the situation is, I will not be abandoned. As a child of God, morality is not something complied to for the sake of good and salvation, but as an act to show love, a Godly love.

Having said so much, there would be an underlying question some would like to ask. How can you be so sure that you are loved by God? Haven't you seen the things happening around you and more importantly to you, how can you called that love? Even I question them sometimes. So, how can I be sure? Well, I don't have any evidence for it. My life so far seems like a chaotic storm, sometimes it does calm down, but just only to be stirred up again. I can only say that I have faith, faith that He is there beside me, guiding me and loving me. Though, I may not see it yet, but I know the things that I have went through was all according to his purpose. And as I continue on with my life, I should try in every situation not to forsake God just the same as He would not forsake me.     

A Weary Soul

Oh My Soul, why are you in despair? What pains you so? And, how long would you continue?

I know your fears. The fears of losing hope, of losing joy, of losing a relationship, of losing somebody you love. I know the sacrifices you have made, to give part of yourself to her, hoping that she would give part of hers in return, so that both can be whole. But, she has the right to choose, the right to give back, and the right to love. Your hopes and dreams cannot be forced, even more so, for your love when she does not want it.

However, all these things have yet come to pass, they are just fears, which are unfounded. Do not let them drag you down and drown you. Take up courage and hope. She may or may not be the one, and who knows it, but God. So don't you be weary, My Soul. For if you face the battle with the mindset of losing, then wouldn't the battle already be lost. Do what you can do and do what you must (but properly in God's eyes), and let time to tell if you would be victorious or beaten in this battle.      

My Soul, do remember as well, to continue to keep doing what you love and what you find pleasing to do. For it will help lighten your mood especially in these weary times. It has been a long time since you last took up the guitar, I long to hear your music even though they sound like shattered glass. I also miss your hand-drawn sketches, it seems that your busy life have taken up much of your leisure time. And, I do hope to see some new drawings from you soon, as I would really love to see them.

My Soul, this is how much I can console you for now. I really hope to see that you can return to your once joyful self. And, I really wish all the best to you, that no matter what the situation turn out to be, you will still take heart and move on. Here is a last reminder, in times of fear, in times of peace, never ever cease, to pray, hope and love. 

When Love Hurts

All my life, I have been through many things, joyful moments and of course sad moments as well. And, I always wanted to write down my feelings like a book or blog to share my experiences with someone else, but never find the discipline to do so. Finally, after so many years, I feel it is time to write down my experiences and feelings that brought me joy and those that brought confusion which render my life into a few weeks of turmoil. Just for a start, I think it is better to write something that happen to me recently since the memory is fresh. And, here it goes.

Watching her sitting there, beautiful just the way she is, with her long tied hair flowing down her back. Her smile is always so gentle that it melts the heart away. I had many things I wanted to ask her, to know more about her. Though we were just a few rows apart, fear was holding me back. Stopping me from building the courage to sit next to her and to start the conversation with the casual "How are you". Soon her row was completely occupied and my window of opportunity had closed. Should have I regretted the decision to remain in my seat? Well it was hard to say at that moment until she was having a conversation with another guy.

As they smiled and talked, a heavy feeling crept into my heart, slowly finding its way to the soul. And with each step it slowly crippled the joy that once filled the heart and replacing it with hatred instead. However the setting compelled me to conceal my feelings, hiding them among my smiles and cheers to avoid anyone finding out and spoiling the mood of the gathering.

He was tall, handsome and seemed sweet, their conversation dragged on for a long heart wrenching 5 minutes. During those few minutes, the feeling of past rejections that I thought was long gone struck me again, bringing me low, making me feel unworthy, unworthy for her, unworthy for anyone to love. The feeling of helplessness overwhelmed my soul as I watched him brought smiles and laughter that I couldn't.  I wasn't that kind of guy, I am just me. A person unloved, not trusted and uncared for. A person who tried everything to love others, hoping to gain trust in return. Maybe, I have flaws that I couldn't see, that no one would openly tell me?

It is sad when you know you love and care for someone, yet you are helpless, not knowing how to care for the one that means so much to you. A friend once told me, that there will be a time where I will meet my one true partner, and before that time comes, I should prepare myself to be able to care and love her unconditionally. Maybe she isn't the one, and I am falling in love with some other guys future wife? Or maybe she is? There will never be answers to these questions until God choose to reveal them. Then, what my friend said was pretty much true, I can only control what I can control that is to improve myself to become a better husband for my wife to be while leaving the rest to God. For He knows the plans for me, plans to prosper and not to harm me.